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I think I’ve already alluded in the past to our terrible luck with household appliances and fixtures.  I’m pretty sure that during year three of home ownership, the house’s traditional gift to the inhabitants is to systematically self-destruct.  The fridge broke twice – once during my husband’s 30th birthday party, then again at Thanksgiving –  before we gave up and replaced it.  The washing machine offed itself in early October.  The lightbulbs under the microwave melted into their sockets.  The garbage disposal leaks grungy water under the kitchen sink.  Part of our driveway is sinking.  The exterior hose froze to the house and caused a small section of pipe to crack.  Okay, that last one happened during our first winter in the house, but I’m still pissed about it.

Since all that hadn’t bled us completely dry yet, late last week we had house calls from two different water softening companies because bathing in our water is essentially like taking a shower in gravel, and apparently three-and-a-half years of that is our breaking point.  We discovered water softeners are kind of expensive if you want a decent one, but we told ourselves that the softener will be easier on our pipes and appliances than the current water, and we might catch a break on replacing household stuff for a while.

Two of our toilets decided that they had enough of our water softener smugness and that we needed to be taken down a peg or two, so they made sure we got our comeuppance.  A piece of whatever controls the water level in the toilet tank snapped off, which then allowed water pressure to start building until the whole thing shot up and knocked the lid off the back of the tank and allowed the water to run continuously.   I shoved the thing back on the…other thing (that’s what she said)…and thought it was fixed, only to have the lid blown off again a few minutes later.  Then the flapper thing in the tank on another toilet decided it was tired of doing its job, so it just stayed open and let the toilet flush on an endless loop.

To top it all off, an very mouthy Australian dude that follows my blog decided to nominate me for an Awesome Blog Content Award, which carries with it an inflated sense of ego and the Internet equivalent of a gold star on your homework, and requires that I spend some time reading other blogs and pay the compliment forward.  So after a weekend of battling exploding toilets, I had to slog through a lot of blogs in order to find some to recognize.  It really cut into my precious rereading Hunger Games and sitting on my ass curing cancer and rescuing endangered baby seals time. Yes, that’s right.  I’m finding a way to bitch about someone liking my blog.  What are you, new?

Acknowledging the nomination requires that I do the following:

1. Thank the person that gave me the award, and then encourage you to look at their blog.

Thanks, Lyndon.  Thanks a lot.

In all seriousness, it is nice that someone other than my mom reads my blog.  So thanks for reading and making snarky comments.

2. Choose a word for each letter of the alphabet that I think describes me. 

Allergic…to asshats.

Baker – The rumors are true.  I have mad baking skills.

Cacography – there’s your word of the day.  It can mean either bad spelling or bad handwriting.  While I generally pride myself on my excellent spelling, my handwriting is atrocious.

Daughter – I am the oldest of three.

Eccentric – I think that’s just a nice way of saying batshit crazy.

Flutist – I can also annoy the crap out of you on the piccolo.

Ginger – watch out, it’s contagious!

Hungry – I really need to eat breakfast.

Impatient – I frequently read synopses of books and movies online before reading or viewing, because I don’t like waiting to find out what happens.

Jaded – Just a tad.

Kansan – If you ask me if I know Dorothy, I will karate-chop you in the throat.

Loud – I think we can all agree on that one.

Mom – It’s an unavoidable part of my identity now.  Good thing I’m so kick-ass at it.

Namaste, bitches! – That means I like yoga.

Opinionated – duh.

Polack – I’m married to one, so I guess that makes me one, too.

Quinoa – I had this for dinner last night.  No, I’m not a hippy.

Rabbits – We have two.  I’m starting to wish we had none.

Shellfish – one of the best foods known to man.  I could probably eat my weight in crab legs.  I am going to be really sad when the oceans are dead and there is no more tasty seafood to put in my belly.

Temper – I have been known to have a short fuse.  Just ask the girl I slapped at a basketball game in junior high.

Uncoffined – Yes, that is a real word, and it means that I am not currently placed in a coffin.  At least, not a literal one.

Vegetarian (former) – I just couldn’t resist the cheeseburgers any more.

Wino – I think that speaks for itself.

Xylophones…make pretty sounds.

Yo-yos…are dumb.

Zombies…are real.

Wow.  Even half-assing it, that took some effort.

3. Forcing my own nominees to do the same.

It actually took some time to get that part done, because I did have some criteria that I wanted to follow.  First of all, I just don’t read a ton of other blogs, so I had to broaden my horizons a bit.  Second, I tried to pick blogs that hadn’t already been shown the blogging love with this award.  Third, I wanted to pick a blog that had been around and consistently updated for more than a week.  So the nominees should obviously be honored that they’ve met my very stringent criteria.

Alright, here it is, my big list of blog nominees.  The anticipation is electric!

Twenty Something Waitress  When I was a lawyer in my previous life, I felt like I was encountering the world’s biggest assholes and dum-dums on a daily basis.  This blog proves that those assholes and dum-dums also like to take their circus of the ridiculous to 50s theme diners.  It also reminds me that I’m very, very glad that I don’t work in the food service industry, reinforces my efforts to be pleasant to the wait staff on the rare occasion that we go out to eat, and supports my theory that the world’s population is something like 98% complete tools.  Plus, she’s the Coleslaw Whisperer.

jessseeker  A fellow newbie to public blogging, I feel smarter and classier when I read her blog because she’s British and therefore says things like “learnt” and “whilst,” and adds extra u’s to words.  We also share a penchant for posting awkward childhood photos, but unlike me she has the good sense not have a category or tag for Asshats on her blog.

Sweet Mother Lover When she’s not busy making up stories about having lovechildren with Jon Gosselin (at least, I hope she’s making it up, because that family is crazy) she writes letters in the nude to her future gaybies.

Earl’s World I’m a little biased on this one, seeing as how half of my DNA came from him, but whatever.  The man babysits my kid for free, so the least I can do is give him a blog award nomination that carries absolutely no prize with it whatsoever.  The blog is mainly dedicated to his photography, which I think you will see is pretty awesome, as long as your idea of awesome photography isn’t creepy babies dressed as flowers or vegetables and shoved in a basket.

My arm is starting to go numb (damn you, knitting!) and that’s about all the enthusiasm I can muster without another cup of coffee.  Also, my kid is telling me that naptime is over by screeching into the baby monitor.  Later.